Unhappily Ever After.

June 25, 2005. . . So young, so naive, so full of life, butterflies, wonder. I had so many things built up in my mind. We’d had a near perfect dating experience. For the last 3 years we’d rarely fought, and when we did it was a silly bicker-fest that we quickly put behind us.
Greg was perfect for me in all the imaginable ways… I’d thought this through over and over again. He was hard working, he didn’t talk to me like Princess but who didn’t call their wife or girlfriend a bitch every now and again? Greg was safe. . . I knew he loved me. He must; he treated me just as I had seen my mother treated all those years ago. Besides who else would want me?

I got ready that morning, butterflies full affect. Sick to my stomach with question and concern. At 1:30 I was walked up the stairs of the church where my daddy waited and grabbed my arm; I almost fell off my heels. “Last chance to run for the door my daddy said”. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a glimmer of thought run through my mind. How embarrassing that would have been. Everyone was gathered for this big day for me, everyone was waiting. All that money, all that hard work, and besides how far would I make it running in heels; and my car? Where was my car? I couldn’t even escape to it.
I grabbed my daddy’s arm and whispered please don’t let me fall. . .
I said I do…
Flash forward 9 years. I sit here on my Anniversary and wow… Things sure weren’t what I’d expected. No rainbows, no butterflies, no roses just to say I love you, no “hey I’ll get those dishes for you take a second for yourself”. 9 years later all I can think is YOU SHOULD HAVE RAN. Why didn’t I run? I could have. People would have understood. We were so young. I was just barely 20. I hadn’t had but a glimmer of a moment of life to live.
I wouldn’t have these 3 beautiful gorgeous children that keep me waking up in the morning, yet then again I wouldn’t have known better either.
I think about leaving but then again the same old thoughts come rushing back “who will have me? Where will I go? Do I even deserve better?”
And so I am pulled back to real life I have nothing, no one to turn to, so I’ll spend the rest of my life unhappily married.

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Life Ain’t Always Beautiful . . .

It’s been awhile. . .
The last time I had a successful daily/weekly blog was back when Xanga was in in all it’s glory of a hay day.
I’m not even sure where to begin. Do I give a back story, a brief history about myself, or do I jump straight to the heart of it, what’s bothering me and really got me wanting to write again.
I’m not sure. . .

I’m the mother of 3 amazing children. Caiden (8), Caleb (6), and Chloe (4). They are my greatest blessings in this life. They drive me completely insane on some days, but every day you can absolutely count on the fact that I love them beyond measure so much some times that it scares me. I never knew I had the capability to love this way until they came into my life.
My marriage is not a fairy tale, we were high school sweethearts, we married after dating for almost 3 years and then became pregnant with our first child almost immediately. We have had plenty of “rough patches” so to speak and I’m certain we will have plenty more. Often times I bury myself in a book, an episode of Greys, a project, Facebook, what have you rather then talk or deal with the fact that my marriage is probably doomed and I don’t have the strength or sometimes want to fight for it. He doesn’t either so what’s that saying. For those young ones who have not experienced this yet I hope you don’t. Some wonder how I can say I love him yet say we have a loveless marriage. . . It happens more then you think. . .
On with the next subject since I’m just attempting a brief run down here.

I suffer from bipolar disorder, PMDD and diabetes. They all have a hand in my ups and downs. They used to be VERY frequent but after a very long time of being unmedicated and constantly raging I sought help and FINALLY found a medication that works. Thank the good Lord for that.

The last three years of my life by far have been the worst for me. We have had so many trials.
From splitting up with my husband, reuniting with him, buying the home of my dreams, giving that home up because it was infested with bedbugs, buying another home to find that the neighbors could have been modern day Charlie Mansons, going completely off of medication, falling off my rocker and spending a night in jail that will haunt me for the rest of my life. . . Many many trials.
We made it through though and in a way I suppose I’m stronger for it, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me bitter. It has.

I guess I hope to make this my diary of finding myself, finding my joy, my reason. I want to be more, do more, love more, care more and live well.

I guess I’d sum this brief life summary with saying what some great country singer said . . .

“Life Ain’t Always Beautiful But It’s a Beautiful Ride.” Or at least I hope to turn it into one.

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