Unhappily Ever After.

June 25, 2005. . . So young, so naive, so full of life, butterflies, wonder. I had so many things built up in my mind. We’d had a near perfect dating experience. For the last 3 years we’d rarely fought, and when we did it was a silly bicker-fest that we quickly put behind us.
Greg was perfect for me in all the imaginable ways… I’d thought this through over and over again. He was hard working, he didn’t talk to me like Princess but who didn’t call their wife or girlfriend a bitch every now and again? Greg was safe. . . I knew he loved me. He must; he treated me just as I had seen my mother treated all those years ago. Besides who else would want me?

I got ready that morning, butterflies full affect. Sick to my stomach with question and concern. At 1:30 I was walked up the stairs of the church where my daddy waited and grabbed my arm; I almost fell off my heels. “Last chance to run for the door my daddy said”. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a glimmer of thought run through my mind. How embarrassing that would have been. Everyone was gathered for this big day for me, everyone was waiting. All that money, all that hard work, and besides how far would I make it running in heels; and my car? Where was my car? I couldn’t even escape to it.
I grabbed my daddy’s arm and whispered please don’t let me fall. . .
I said I do…
Flash forward 9 years. I sit here on my Anniversary and wow… Things sure weren’t what I’d expected. No rainbows, no butterflies, no roses just to say I love you, no “hey I’ll get those dishes for you take a second for yourself”. 9 years later all I can think is YOU SHOULD HAVE RAN. Why didn’t I run? I could have. People would have understood. We were so young. I was just barely 20. I hadn’t had but a glimmer of a moment of life to live.
I wouldn’t have these 3 beautiful gorgeous children that keep me waking up in the morning, yet then again I wouldn’t have known better either.
I think about leaving but then again the same old thoughts come rushing back “who will have me? Where will I go? Do I even deserve better?”
And so I am pulled back to real life I have nothing, no one to turn to, so I’ll spend the rest of my life unhappily married.


Stay Together For The Kids??? What?

I know it’s Father’s Day and I should be confessing my love without end amen for my daddy, but honestly I can’t help but feel hurt and jipped. Don’t get me wrong. I love my dad. He’s a great man, he provided sufficient enough, he loved just enough, he was there just enough. Equal to my mother who did just enough to get by.
I’ll tell you what has my bowels all up in an uproar here.
Friday night I drove around half the evening in my car pissed off with nowhere to go, no one to turn to. I had a heated blow up with my husband, and decided it would be best to go have some time to myself.
As a drove around for hours. HOURS.
I realized I have no “Home”. Nowhere for me to always come home to. No safe haven. That doesn’t exist for me. I suspect this is something fairly common in people from my generation.
You see I come from the “stay together for the children generation”. My parents did the “just enough” until they felt their children were grown, and then they flew the coop. My mom ultimately made the decision, she cheated on my father. It’s something I struggled with for many years. I blamed her for everything that ever went wrong in life and childhood for a very long time; then one day I grew up and I got over it.
This isn’t what this is about though. I’m not trying to finger point and call out names.
My point in this idea of stay together is beyond ridiculous, and though you may think it is better because then the idea of split/shared custody is out the window; ultimately it leaves the “adult grown or near adult grown child” feeling homeless and lost.
My dad and mom both went on to remarry. Both live with their new spouses in different homes then I grew up in, and I just don’t feel like I have a place.
My mom and dad both I’m sure would welcome me with open arms, but not growing up with their new significant others I honestly don’t feel welcome on their parts. Not that my step parents aren’t great.. ok my moms husband not so much… But the point is if my parents had split up early, my childhood would have been much different. My adult life would be much different, but maybe when I’m pissed off at my husband, and driving around at 1am I might feel like I had a place to go, a place to lay my head, arms to hug me, hold me, tell me he’s a jerk, it will be ok tomorrow, then give me a swift kick in my ass and get me on my way.
Don’t stay together for the children and do just enough to get by; stay together and REALLY REALLY work at it.